My Poems...
My Mirror
To Robert
At the Stopping Place in the Road
darkness reaching for darkness
Peaceful day...
Whispers in the Wind
Shadeless Mountains
Sonnet #2
Juliet
Nothing
Une Dame d'Un Certain Age
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My Mirror
I look at you and see myself
All my confusion and pain
Everything I don't like about me
Is there, staring me in the face
All my weaknesses
I have been trying so hard to hide
Dancing in your eyes
Mocking me
I try to run away
But around every corner is another mirror
I can't escape
Everywhere I look, you're all I see
A billboard of what I've become
-Heidi Andrus Wilde '96
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To Robert
Living in my Darkness, how did I notice you?
Or was it you who noticed me?
You? Me? Who knows? Who cares?
You were all Smiles and Laughter,
I didn't see the Shadows that followed you
And crept into your eyes when you thought no one was looking.
You reached out your hand in Friendship,
I didn't see the hacksaw behind your back.
So we walked and we talked.
You, slowly drawing me further and further into You.
It was Comfortable,
I felt safe wrapped in the blanket of your Dark Spell.
Night turned to Night,
Day followed Day.
And I followed you,
Blindly.
You had me, you thought.
So you moved a bit too fast,
and I tripped.
As I lay there, face down in the mud,
I looked around and realized where I was.
How had this happened?
I glanced up at you, and you were Laughing.
Confusion and Fear knotted my stomach.
I couldn't breathe.
I staggered to my feet searching wildly for an Escape.
You came to me looking Contrite and Apologetic.
I stared at you.
The curtains you had put before my eyes were thrown open.
I saw you as you really were.
I left you, left the Darkness.
I found I needed Light.
I got out and started anew.
Time passed and so did my Darkness.
For the first time in years, I let in the Sun.
Let it burn through me,
Searing away the Memory of you.
I had a new life, and room to breathe.
Walking through my days in Blissful Forgetness.
But one sunny day I saw you again, and a Shadow passed over me.
There you stood, the embodiment of my old Self, my old Fears,
And all my Mistakes.
Throwing the Past in my face, with a smirk on yours.
Spouting off your pretty apologies.
Asking for a Second Chance.
Your face, so Guileless,
Until you think I won't see.
Malice stares defiantly from your eyes.
But the next instant it was shuttered away.
So fast, had I imagined it there?
You say you never wanted to hurt me,
Never meant for It to happen.
You plead with me, so Sincere,
Did I misjudge you?
This is how I fell last time,
I can't let it happen again.
You can't hurt me now, I know you.
A Bittersweet Breeze of the Past shivers through me.
You seem Different somehow,
Can I Trust you? No!
I know you too well... to well.
I see Familiar Clouds forming above me.
Will I fall again? ... No!
I am too smart. I am Different now.
I feel the misty Darkness of your Spell surrounding me...
- Heidi Andrus Wilde '96
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At the Stopping Place in the Road
At the stopping place in the road,
where the vagabonds lay,
I remember a time when all was bright and gay.
But that time is no more.
I sit here, straining to hear silent songs
of a world gone before.
All that comes to me is the cold, empty air;
the dark night sky;
stars falling, drowning in the stillness.
What happend to all the yesterdays?
They've gone so fast,
racing like raindrops down a window
to be the first out of my life.
My thoughts are crowded together
waiting for the door to open to make their escape.
Dreams rise smoke-like through the rooms of my mind
Reminding me of all I've left behind.
How did I come to be in this place?
I had love and warmth all around me.
How could I have traded all that for this iceburg
that has taken root in my soul?
Kind words, gentle touches,
Butterfly kisses,
sweet and innocent.
But I lashed out with razor blade tongue
that turned inward to sever that hateful appendage,
leaving me speachless.
Where is that hot summer calm I used to resent?
I would welcome that heat now
to join with the burning cold wherein I dwell.
Maybe then I could find a way to unfreeze this Hell.
This lonely dungeon of my own making.
The sun shivers in the frosty afternoon sky.
Grey light filters down,
illuminating my world like a watery candle.
I hope they know the words I dared utter
blatantly backfired.
I am the one who lives in solitude and pain.
Forever to flow as the rain
Palindromatically back to the beginning,
To the stopping place in the road.
One day I may find the way to start again
But until then I will be chained to my miserable penance.
Self imposed exile from alienation.
-Heidi Andrus Wilde '94
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darkness reaching for darkness
alone here I sit
thoughts of you bounce off the walls of my mind
it's all I can do
just dream of you
walking in the fields of poppies
underneath a tree
the rain, ah the rain
pelting me, stripping away the pain
and again I can feel whole
words come unbidden to my mouth
words you once said to me
how can I forget what you were to me?
are to me?
you were the one who found me
shattered and tattered
lost, and not knowing I was
darkness reaching for darkness
and you are my light
I was cold, old, and empty inside
you had warmth
you knew how to fill me
and make me feel young again
but your road has taken a turn
and mine has gone straight
how can I keep this path
with you over there?
I need you.
my soul yearns for your comfort
I am slipping,
slipping back into that hole
I don't know how to stay away
it is all I've known
it is home
darkness reaching for darkness
and coming up empty
-Heidi Andrus Wilde '95
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Peaceful day...
Peaceful day, calm, serene,
Out of the dark, crept unseen
Madman on a rampage
Till there was no more
No more tomorrow
No more today
People walking forward
Out of the way
Ides of a feverish mind
Can't call back the hands of time
So many lives that hadn't begun
In the end no one won
Black on Red
Death on Blood
That's the way the world goes round
- Heidi Andrus Wilde '93
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Whispers in the Wind
Whispers in the wind
Tell me things I never wanted to know
Show me things that should never have been shown
Tales of evil trickery and desertion
Brother against brother, father against son
Everyone's trust trampled underfoot before we're done
All left forsaken and forlorn
Pride and courage - tattered and torn
Someone's bittersweet revenge
The reason for it lost in the means
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Shadeless Mountains
Under azure skies
I see you crying
As lemmings over a cliff,
The tears fall down your face
Musical raindrops,
They sing your song of sadness
Willomeeds drop their heads in sympathy
No place of comfort -
Not one aspen on these
Shadeless Mountains
- Heidi Andrus Wilde '95
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Sonnet #2
When the sun sets over a stormy sea
And the world seems a cold and empty place
Like a warm breeze, thoughts of you come to me
I close my tired eyes and can see your face.
Memories of summer flash through my mind
Driving endlessly with no place to go.
Leaving the crowded, hectic world behind
Those were the best times I have ever known
Those day of sitting underneath a tree
Talking of nothing in particular
With you, I dreamed I could do anything
Whatever the wish, it never seemed too far
No matter where we were, it felt like home
Please don't tell me I have to live my life alone.
- Heidi Andrus Wilde '95
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Juliet
What news is this you bring?
News to make my ears ring.
O cursed stars whom I blessed not long ago
O Stars! How could I know?
That when I last looked on my lady, it would be the last.
The life that was part mine is past.
How can I now live without this part?
How can any man live with out his heart?
My love, my lady, my life!
My hope, my salvation, my wife!
What life is this she has left behind?
How now can I ease this troubled mind?
I shall go and with her remain.
What now causes me to retain?
Here there is nothing, save
A one way passage to my grave.
O Sweet poison do your work quick and let me be still
Or do what you like, I have no will.
Oh my lovely lady, my Juliet,
Should I curse the day we met?
No, no, that I could never do,
What happiness would I have had without you?
I shall glorify that time in my thoughts this day.
That I shall think on as I make my way,
To you, for some relief.
To you, to end this grief.
Time can move so slowly,
Yet things can happen so fast.
On my way, my heart's flag is flying half mast.
My beautiful One,
What could have been done that was left undone?
How still and cold you are!
I look to the heavens to find our star.
I see it twinkling there above.
Being representative of our love.
You are there too, I know.
So it is to there I go.
Soon I will be with you, O!
But this poison is slow!
-Heidi Andrus Wilde '91
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Nothing
Nothing in my head
Nothing in my soul
Nothing in my heart
Should have known it from the start
Darkness is closing in
Darkness, my only friend
Glad to see you back,
Like that book by Kerouac
-Heidi Andrus Wilde '96
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Une Dame d'Un Certain Age
Une dame s'est habillée dans noir
Pensait de l'ancien
"Où sont allé les jours idyllique?
Où sont allé les hommes de ma jeunesse?
Ils sont allé comme l'allègre dans ma démarcher
Mais comme luer parfume, leur essense persiste
Les souvenirs de jours plus heureux flanent a travers mon esprit
Les jours de printemps ont passé s'assied sous un arbre
La brise souffle mes cheveux
Les papillons et les couchers du soleil
Un bon livre a mon endroit de lire
La nuit quand je fait la connaissance de lui
Les souvenirs heurtent les murs de mon esprit
Journées ont passé aller partout, et faire rien
Nuits ont passé aller nulle part, et faire tout
Le parc, le ballet, les boites de nuit
Le clair de lune, la lumière de chandelle, et la lueur de fue
Avec ses mains dans mes cheveux, et ses lèvres partout
Et puis les souvenirs venient dégringoler en bas
Les lumières et les couleurs éclat"
Elle tend la main pour prendre un verre
Et une cigarette
Elle se retourne et chercher seulement que
Elle est seulette
- Heidi Wilde '98
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